Tired of Being Uncreative

Not sure how best to describe this, but a few things that are majorly lacking here for me at the moment, cutting down on my ambition. One of those being control over my time, a lack of ability to meet other Americans, English here etc, so I am going to try really hard starting from now to go ahead and try to meet a ton of foreigners out there, I think that they can do a lot to get in touch with myself, especially in a situation where I am surrounded by the unknown masses. In the past I have struggled to get in touch with the ‘foreign masses’ but at the moment in the getting back in touch with my self etc type of phase, given that I am surrounded by people speaking a different language etc, who most of the time see me as different, yet I have adapted to a degree of understanding here, but am starting to lose touch with the us connection. What I am really trying to do at the moment is get back together the sense of connection with the US etc, at the same time living here. I have no intention whatsoever of giving up on aspirations etc, so I am still facing a few options, trying to figure out which is the best way to go, and what steps I can take to go in those directions. I know for example that I can push in a few different directions, or send out a million of job applications online and hope that one of them might hit somewhere, but it doesn’t seem to work very well. Another option would be to pick an area that I’m interested in, such as Chinese or Journalism, and to just start putting all my efforts into amassing links to those areas. I think in the case of journalism for example, there are a ton of websites out there which I could link to, but unfortunately, I don’t have enough published writing of any kind to get myself attention, so that could also be a necessary step in development. What I would really like to do would be able to be in control of as many situations in life as possible, and also be productive and moving. I don’t want to be particularly exceptional in a way, although I would like to pull people around me up as much as possible, and I would like to find ways to make a positive difference in the world. One thing that I don’t doubt, is that I am getting bored by sameness, and that is the point of this blog in part, because the majority of what I see here is based on constant sameness, and I would much rather find a way to blend art and music into my life, along with a degree of repetition, because I cannot live in a pit of sameness anymore, I mean work is interesting enough to get me through the days, but in terms of future development, I can’t see myself going anywhere unless I am able to transfer to a different department which also seems improbable, I am also lacking a specific challenge of any kind, unless I spend my whole time playing rubix cube or chess and obsessing. And while certain people are going off and doing immensely amazing things, I am in the same place surrounded by way too many people, unable to find a peaceful spot whatsoever. What I previously thought was that the best idea was to simply live in a place with a lot of people, because work was slow, but at the moment it is the opposite. I am working around a group of people, although we are doing the same thing, but it still helps us to get through the day, and than outside of work it is relatively peaceful, but I think it is just extremely difficult to find the balance in general, and it is also difficult just to create something in general, because all there is out there is blank emptiness, and nothing else, and it is boring, unless I can start finding some better challenges in life, and some sort of a more optimistic mentality. Not that my mentality was more optimistic before, or that it will be more optimistic in the future, like Voltaire wrote Candide ridiculing Candide, I also think that it is good to have a down to earth view of the world. I think that what I really need to do is stand up, and start figuring out how to improve myself and the world, I don’t want to become a potato of the masses, and I’d like to get involved in a marketing internship, or a challenge of some kind that will be useful in my life, because at the moment there is no positive challenge. I have managed to bridge a certain gap of being to work and communicate with people at work, which I believe was more challenging before, but it is also starting to show me how there are different sides. So maybe my writing here is all useless jumble, but nevertheless it is the only thing that I do today freely.